Sperm Banking on the Future

The world is low on sperm.

And I had to hear it from my
stockbroker.

He was recommending sperm bank
stocks. He even suggested, however
delicately, that Martin make several deposits.

Too late, I informed him. That
branch was closed years ago, after the birth of our second child.

Most single women I know lament
their difficulties in finding a few good men. Now, beside such coveted traits
as wit, intellect and cute buns, the Significant Other Rating System of a 21st
Century woman will also include a high sperm count.

Needless to say, in-vitro will be
en vogue.

I expect the Republican Party
will take credit for this occurrence: without babies, there is no need for a
welfare system, he’ll crow, and at last, the budget will be balanced.

What the politicos don’t realize
is that the true crisis right now is not propagation, but in the wellbeing of
the children already walking on this planet. The majority of our elementary,
high school and college facilities have lowered their standards, so our
children are learning less than we did. While we’re busy making ends meet, MTV Jersey Shore and The Real Housewives of Atlanta are giving our latchkey kids their version of our world. We get home too late to make real
meals, so our kids chow down on candy bars, sodas, hormone-injected milk and
meat, and pre-packaged, microwavable preservative-laden foods.

Let's not forget the PCBs and
DDTs in our oceans, streams and lakes. There's now an island of trash in the Pacific Ocean that is bigger than Texas. It's subprime real estate now, but when the ice caps melt, it may be the only game in town.

Talk about an ocean view.

And we wonder why sperm counts
are dropping.

Keep one thing in perspective:
Compared to childrearing, baby making has always been overrated. A 20-hour
labor is manna compared to the first time your surly, hormonal-driven teenager
comes home at three in the morning when his curfew was at 10 o’clock.

Those bemoaning the drop in sperm
count are welcomed to spend a weekend with our kids. It may change your mind on the whole picture.

Okay, seriously though, before we all start investing in
sperm bank stock, let’s give humankind one more chance to renew itself: our new
credo should be “One Egg, One Sperm." Why does the average male need to produce 300 million sperm
in the first place?

That’s so typical of a man: use
one sperm cell, and throw out 299 million others.

—Josie

Josie' s Next Book: Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives