Glassdoor.com, a human resources/job search site, just posted what it calls "the top 25 oddball interview questions of 2011."
Let's face it. In this case, "oddball" is a euphemism for, um…stupid.
Since I won't be applying to any of these places, I figure it's okay to share with you how I would have responded–
Had I shown up drunk or if they'd first injected me with a truth serum.
Hmmm. Not a bad idea.
But not legal to do to applicants, so they'll never know the truth.
I'm guessing they wouldn't want to know it, anyway. Diplomacy and witty repartee before honesty, right?
Writing fiction means my answered are somewhat skewed to the macabre, so I'm sure I wouldn't get hired, anyway.
I'm okay with that–
As long as you guys keep buying my books.
Me: "Too many. There are just too many lazy people in SF, with too much time on their hands. You're based here, so you know that, first hand. Obviously, they are waaaay overpaid….Um, how much were you offering again?
Me: This is where I pull out True Hollywood Lies and read out loud the most erotic scene in it. What can I say? I give great read. And those scenes are…HOT!
Me: "As the whole world knows, Germans keep meticulous records. I would hack into the national academic database and pull up all Physical Education records on 12-grade height measurements, which I would then compare to the same records from countries all over the world. By the way, I have some swampland in Monterrey that you can pick up at a steal…"
Me: "Some of my best friends are garden gnomes. By the way, I love your Hawaiian shirt. So do my BFF garden gnomes."
Me: "Moreso than my bust size — so please quit staring at my chest."
Me: "Honestly, no. I don't know if you've read up on the Mahatma, but he wasn't a hermitic nerd, and his online gaming scores were abominable. But if his resume hits your desk, you may want to consider him for a Community Manager position. He'll up your Facebook friends considerably."
7. “If you could be #1 employee but have all your coworkers dislike you or you could be #15 employee and have all your coworkers like you, which would you choose?” – view answers. Asked at ADP. More ADP interview questions.
Me: "Number 1. Because I'm into WINNING. And tiger blood flows through my veins."
Me: "I'd win the Miss Universe Pageant. Then I'd travel the world, advocating for world peas. And carrots. And mashed potatoes, because they go well together. But no meat. We don't want any more fatties, so I'd be pushing a vegan agenda."
Me: "Yes. Which is why I'm getting the hell out of here, before you hire me and I shoot my brains out."
11. “Given 20 ‘destructible’ light bulbs (which breaks at certain height), and a building with 100 floors, how do you determine the height that the light bulb breaks?” – view answers. Asked at QUALCOMM. More QUALCOMM interview questions.
Me: "Dude! Seriously? Duh. They break the moment they hit the ground. I've got a question for you, too: Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?"
Me: "If I do, can I use the $25,000 scholarship prize money to pay off my college bills?….Oh! You're not National Geographic, are you?"
Me: "Knock out a mugger. Knock out a rapist. Threaten a bank teller. Knock out a pawing first date. Knock out a pawing first boss. Don't worry, I know my way out."
Me. "Too much. Too many gas guzzling cars, too many people who work in the oil industry to care about global warming, and not enough public awareness of its environmental impact. What fuels do your planes use again?… Yep, I know the way out. Scotty, beam me up."
Me: "Same as I would a man: kill it, then chop it into steaks. On the way out, I'll leave you a copy of The Housewife Assassin's Handbook. It's got detailed instructions–regarding the man, not the elephant. My heroine, Donna, loves animals–"
16. “You have a bouquet of flowers. All but two are roses, all but two are daisies, and all but two are tulips. How many flowers do you have?” – view answers. Asked at Epic Systems. More Epic Systems interview questions.
Me: "Three. What say I set you up with the HR interviewer at Qualcomm? He likes trick questions, too. I think you two are a match made in heaven."
Me: "Too many. But there are probably a few terrorists out there with heat-seeking missle launchers to remedy that….Yes, I know. I have an active imagination. And I know my way out, too. By the way, Egghead has better prices on netbooks than you guys."
18. “How many different ways can you get water from a lake at the foot of a mountain, up to the top of the mountain?” – view answers. Asked at Disney Parks & Resorts. More Disney Parks & Resorts interview questions.
Me: "Listen, Goofy: I'm not trying for a gig in your Imagineering Department. I just want to be Cinderella in the Main Street Electrical Parade. Here, watch me wave and smile–"
"I'm guessing it's what I'd be making in salary, for one week's work here. So instead, why don't I answer 'What is 100 x 100', which is more in line to what I'd accept?"
Me: "The power to be so wealthy that I wouldn't have to go on interviews where people like you ask such stupid questions. Or the power to create world peas. And carrots. With mashed potatoes."
Me: "The one that wouldn't get me sued by MicroSoft. By the way, a better question to ask is to name a software program that MicroSoft hasn't been sued for copying."
Me: "Water. You guys do work in healthcare, right?…Oh, got it! You just bill for healthcare procedures."
Me: "No. Carbon dioxide. You're a marketing firm, so I don't hold your stupidity against you, but I'd certainly be scratching my head if you were Genentech."
24. “You’re in a row boat, which is in a large tank filled with water. You have an anchor on board, which you throw overboard (the chain is long enough so the anchor rests completely on the bottom of the tank). Does the water level in the tank rise or fall?” – view answers. Asked at Tesla Motors. More Tesla Motors interview questions.
Me: "It stays the same. Okay, let me ask you a question: When will the hovercraft be available, and how many jiggawatts will it need to power it? And is Marty McFly really your CEO? Because that's the rumor–"
Me: "You complete me. Hire me! Please!"
Read an excerpt of
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HANDBOOK