Here's my Friday treat for you: a fun excerpt from The Housewife Assassin's Handbook. Donna is still annoyed with having been paired with Jack on this latest mission. It doesn't help that he has an opinion on her sex appeal.
Be the Life of the Party
is a big part of a housewife’s life. Lots of friends mean lots of invitations!
To keep abreast of all the activity, be sure to post a calendar
prominently—perhaps on the refrigerator. That way, your hubby has no excuse to
“forget” your social obligations. (Hint: Another gentle reminder that works
very well is a cattle prod. Don’t worry, the burn marks heal quickly…)
“We’ve got the Crichtons’ shindig tonight. Then
the Simpsons’ on Friday. And from the look of the calendar next week, another
three lined up… Jeez, you folks sure know how to party! How many bugs do we
have left?” Jack sounds grumpy.
Can’t say that I blame him. It’s the third night
this week that we’ve had a social engagement. Since his quote-unquote return,
we’ve been inundated with cocktail and cookout invitations.
My neighbors are nosy about “the mysterious Carl
It’s hard for me to forget all those years in
which they ignored me while Carl was supposedly on the road.
But I’ll save my pity for later. Considering our
mission, I guess this sudden burst of popularity is a blessing in disguise
since it allows us into their homes in order to plant bugs that sweep the
neighbor’s computers and their phones for any evidence that they are fronting
for the Quorum.
Unfortunately, the bugs we’ve planted have
We’re having a mission update in the one place I
know we won’t be interrupted by the children: my bedroom. I pull open my
underwear drawer, where I keep all the tracking devices. It gives new meaning
to the brand Agent Provocateur.
I do a quick count. “We’ve got enough for the
next six parties. I’ll ask Abu for refills.”
Before I can shut the drawer, Jack grabs a red
lace thong and holds it up to the light. “You mean to tell me that you actually
fit into this tiny thing?”
I’ve learn to ignore his teasing. This time,
though, it’s a little too close for comfort.
I plant a supreme smile on my face. “But of
course. In fact, I’m wearing one now.”
“Really?” His tone is a dare.
What does he expect me to do, strip down to
prove a point?
Besides, I’d lose. The briefs I have on aren’t
exactly granny panties, but still, they aren’t the come-and-get-me ass floss
he’s holding, either.
As if reading my mind, he looks pointedly at the
mirror behind me:
It shows my backside very clearly.
I feel my face heating up. “Just what in hell do
you think you’re looking at?”
He cocks his head to one side. “Well, from this
angle, it looks like a VPL.”
“Huh…? What does that mean?”
“Code word for ‘visible panty line.’ But it’s
not in the official Acme manual, so don’t bother to check.”
I snatch the thong out of his hands. “Okay, so I
lied. Those aren’t everyday wear. Only when I have to go… you know,
undercover.” Enough of this crap. I shove him toward the door. “Go get dressed,
‘dear,’ or we’ll be late. Remember, we’re looking for any newbies: some single
woman named Vivian Norman, a retired couple with the last name of Neufeld, and
the Kelseys, that couple who moved in beside Hayley.”
He stops short of the threshold. “What are you
“What’s it to you?”
“My interest is purely professional. Think of
yourself as the bait. When they bite, we get our man. Or woman.”
“Yeah, I’ll just bet you like it when they
bite.” It’s my turn to smirk. “I’ve got a little black number that will do the
“Nah. Go for that electric blue one. Skin tight,
“Wait! How do you know about that one? Have you
been rummaging through my closet?”
“Don’t act so shocked. I had to see what you had
in the costume department—”
“My clothes are not costumes!”
“You don’t say?” I’d like to slap the grin off
his face. “I’ll keep that in mind. Oh, and by the way, I noticed a Singapore
Air flight attendant uniform, a nun’s habit, and a nurse’s uniform in there. I
presume none of those are typical carpool attire?”
“No—of course not!”
Okay, he’s made his point. I slam the door after
Then I yank the clingy blue cocktail dress from
And the red thong.
Neither gives me any place to hide the bug.
Here’s hoping he’s right. Otherwise I’ll be
giving the neighbors something to talk about for nothing.
(c) 2011 Josie Brown. All rights reserved. This excerpt may not be resold or redistributed without prior written permission from Josie Brown or Signal Press Books (firstname.lastname@example.org).
The Housewife Assassin's Handbook
(Book 1) Signal Press
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