My R Rated Book Reading: Mature Audiences Only

WomenWhoWrite Women behaving wildly is the theme at Women Who Write, the monthly book salon thrown by memoirist and club promoter Vicki Abelson in Montrose, CA.

In June, I was lucky to be invited as one of the guest readers, along with comedians Marc Maron and Paul Provenza, and musician James Lee Stanley (who entertained us with several of his many hits), and of course Vicki, who reads one more chapter of her work in progress from her fabulous memoir (I got to read a first draft, and I predict best-seller: lots of sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll!)

Vicki tapes every reading. My portion of it can be seen here, below. However, be duly warned: realizing that my co-readers are seasoned performers who knew how to keep their audiences rolling in the aisles in laughter, I chose a funny and somewhat naughty read myself: not exactly R-rated, but a bit more than PG-13. 

So yeah, I'm blushing….and wishing my arms were better toned. ( I'm workin' on that!)

Enjoy!

That's showbiz,

—Josie
http://twitter.com/JosieBrownCA

http://www.facebook.com/Josie.Brown.Author.Page 



  Josie's Latest Book: Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives

Simon & Schuster/Downtown Press

(ISBN: 9781439173176)

In bookstores June 1, 2010. Order it TODAY!

"Hollywood's got nothing on the cast of characters living in the bedroom community of Paradise Heights, who have the secrets, sex, money and scandal of an OK! Magazine cover story. Josie Brown is a skilled observer whose clever dialogue and feisty style make for truly entertaining reading." –Jackie Collins, Hollywood Wives


Sperm Banking on the Future

Sperm The world is low on sperm. 

And I had to hear it from my
stockbroker.

He was recommending sperm bank
stocks.  He even suggested, however
delicately, that Martin make several deposits.

Too late, I informed him. That
branch was closed years ago, after the birth of our second child.

Most single women I know lament
their difficulties in finding a few good men. Now, beside such coveted traits
as wit, intellect and cute buns, the Significant Other Rating System of a 21st
Century woman will also include a high sperm count.

Needless to say, in-vitro will be
en vogue.

I expect the Republican Party
will take credit for this occurrence: without babies, there is no need for a
welfare system, he’ll crow, and at last, the budget will be balanced.

What the politicos don’t realize
is that the true crisis right now is not propagation, but in the wellbeing of
the children already walking on this planet. The majority of our elementary,
high school and college facilities have lowered their standards, so our
children are learning less than we did. While we’re busy making ends meet, MTV Jersey Shore and The Real Housewives of Atlanta are giving our latchkey kids their version of our world.  We get home too late to make real
meals, so our kids chow down on candy bars, sodas, hormone-injected milk and
meat, and pre-packaged, microwavable preservative-laden foods. 

Let's not forget the PCBs and
DDTs in our oceans, streams and lakes. There's now an island of trash in the Pacific Ocean that is bigger than Texas. It's subprime real estate now, but when the ice caps melt, it may be the only game in town.

Talk about an ocean view.

And we wonder why sperm counts
are dropping.

Keep one thing in perspective:
Compared to childrearing, baby making has always been overrated. A 20-hour
labor is manna compared to the first time your surly, hormonal-driven teenager
comes home at three in the morning when his curfew was at 10 o’clock.

Those bemoaning the drop in sperm
count are welcomed to spend a weekend with our kids.  It may change your mind on the whole picture.

Okay, seriously though, before we all start investing in
sperm bank stock, let’s give humankind one more chance to renew itself: our new
credo should be “One Egg, One Sperm."  Why does the average male need to produce 300 million sperm
in the first place?

That’s so typical of a man: use
one sperm cell, and throw out 299 million others.


—Josie


SLHW fauxsmall  Josie' s Next Book: Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives

Simon & Schuster/Downtown Press

(ISBN: 9781439173176)

Look for it in bookstores June 1, 2010

From Amazon

From Barnes & Noble

From Books a Million

From Borders

From Copperfield's

From Your Local Independent Bookstore

From Powell's

Sit on THIS…

Housewifetea

(Posted 8:58 AM PST, November 1, 2006)

I SO hate going furniture shopping with Martin. Frankly, if it were up to him, we'd be sitting on tree stumps —

In front of a Samsung Hi-Def 40-inch flat-panel LCD HDTV, of course.

(And men wonder how they gotten the rep for being Neanderthals?)

But the ratty old couch in the media room has now been tossed, and I refuse to take a chainsaw to the live oak in the back yard, so yeah, he had to come along to look at sofas and chairs….

You would have thought I'd asked him to visit a proctologist.

He wasn't to eager for leather, my first choice. The space could really use a sectional.

Then again, wouldn't a couple (or three, or four) of those nice, comfy loungers do just as well, if not better?

Not at a couple of thou a piece, they won't.  No one should have to mortage their house in order to furnish one room in it.

But let's face it: In today's society, you are what you sit on.

Take Goldie Locks, for example. When it came down to it, size really had nothing to do with her game of musical chairs. Taste, on the other hand, was the determining factor in Goldie’s decision to park it in Baby Bear’s rocker:—unlike Papa Bear’s Sears special and Mama Bear’s white wicker, Baby’s was a fabulous Beidermeier knock-off.

This is the same reason Ralph Lauren drapes his models on brocaded chaise lounges and fur rugs: who would buy a $1200 cashmere suit after seeing it on some skinny witch sprawled on a bean bag?

Why do women enjoy roaming through furniture showrooms and designer showcases? Because how we furnish our homes is the first step we take in creating our ideal fantasy world, our grown-up version of Barbie's Dream House.

These fantasies began on our parents’ living room couches. There, during those first awkward, heated kisses on the nervous boy next door, we accidently  left lipstick marks on our mothers’ sofa pillows. Cable operators’ may be dismayed to learn that the couch was truly the first piece of interactive furniture in our living rooms).

The dream continued with our very first apartments, where our furnishings changed with our evolving tastes: out went the papasan chair, in went the Herman Miller; we traded our futon for a Michel Ducaroy classic, our lava lamps for flu wall sconces.

Mission (style) accomplished, we thought we’d live happily ever after.

Then we got married, and fantasy collided with the reality of our beloved’s green plaid Herculon Barcalounger.

Today we go into furniture stores, dragging our darlings kicking and screaming behind us. Does he care that we now have a choice of either down-filled or foam cushions? Of course not.  Does he care that we can get the new couch treated with the latest high-tech stain resistant? Get real. Or that Streamline furniture is making a comeback? Hardly.

To the man in your life, a sectional by any other name will feel as lumpy once his 190 pounds go horizontal and break it in during the  football season.

We would all like to believe that a woman’s home is her castle. By way of example, consider this: Snow White might have moved in with the Seven Dwarfs to save her life, but she moved out to save her sanity. The thought of living with seven Barcaloungers was just too much to bear; sure, Prince Charming might have owned one too, but all Snow White would have had to say is, “Honey, it clashes too much with that new suit of armor I just bought you. Let’s put it in the dungeon for now…”

Pity the poor prisoners.

Sittin' pretty,

Josie

You can email me at: JosieBrownAuthor@yahoo.com

Hey, and read my blog on Amazon.com.

And definitely check out my website, and read about my books: http://www.josiebrown.com

Santassexyhelper_1
HEY! ENTER MY SECRET SANTA CONTEST FOR A CHANCE TO WIN A BRAND NEW 1GB iPOD SHUFFLE!

Here's how it works:

1. First you have to READ THIS EXCLUSIVE EXCERPT OF IMPOSSIBLY TONGUE-TIED HERE!

2. Then, send me an email, at JosieBrownAuthor@yahoo.com, with the answer to this question:

WHAT IS THE NAME OF HUGO'S WIFE?

3. All answers must be recieved no later than MIDNIGHT, Pacific Time, on my book's launch date, on TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2006. Include your name and address, of course.

4. All correct answers will be included in a drawing, to take place that very next day. The winner's name will be posted here on my site, and the iPod will ship out the next day!

Of course, if your name is not chosen, you still have time to order your copy of IMPOSSIBLY TONGUE-TIED — and extras, as gifts for all your friends!


Womanbook_2

ATTENTION BOOK CLUB MEMBERS: Read THE IMPOSSIBLY TONGUE-TIED Book Club Questions here, and an author interview with Josie Brown.




__________________________________________________________

UPCOMING EVENTS FOR JOSIE BROWN'S
IMPOSSIBLY TONGUE-TIED:

Hollywood
Saturday, November 18, 2006, 1pm

BARNES & NOBLE / Burbank, CA
731 North San Fernando Blvd (Media Mall), Burbank 91502
This is a free event!

Naughty cops. Sizzling sex.
Celebrity scandal. These two books make ideal stocking stuffers for the
reader who appreciates a hot read during the holidays. Hear authors Josie Brown (IMPOSSIBLY TONGUE-TIED) and Karin Tabke (GOOD GIRL GONE BAD) read from their books. For more information, call 818-558-1383.

Impossiblytongue_pb_c_1

Thursday, November 30, 2006, 6:30pm

BORDERS EXPRESS/ Santa Clara, CA
731 Valley Fair Mall,
2855 Stevens Creek Blvd. Santa Clara, CA 95050
 
This is a free event!

Hear Josie read from IMPOSSIBLY TONGUE-TIED. Joining her are Karin Tabke (GOOD GIRL GONE BAD), Jasmine Haynes (OPEN INVITATION) and Jami Alden (DELICIOUS).  For more information, call 408-249-1728.


Cravepartysf_1
Tuesday, December 12, 2006, 5-9pm

CRAVE PARTY SAN FRANCISCO!
War Memorial Opera House, 401 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco, CA

Ticket PRICE: $15

The ultimate pre-holiday shopping party! Crave Party San Francisco
brings together San Francisco's trendiest boutiques. You'll find all
the latest fashions, fab accessories, trinkets and potions–all in one
location! Have a make-over, a chichi cocktail, and a relaxing massage,
while you pick up your stocking stuffers (including extra copies of
Josie Brown's IMPOSSIBLY TONGUE-TIED) at this exclusive glam-gal gathering. Other authors attending are Karin Tabke (GOOD GIRL GONE BAD) and Jennifer Skully (OPEN INVITATION), so join us, and get a jump on Santa, with your shopping!

 

Gggb_cover_art_1
Friday, December 15, 2006, 6pm

Barnes & Noble / Antioch, CA
5709 Lone Tree Way, Antioch,CA 94531. 925-978-1031

Naughty
cops. Sizzling sex. Celebrity scandal. These two books make ideal
stocking stuffers for the reader who appreciates a hot haute read
during the holidays. Hear authors Josie Brown (IMPOSSIBLY TONGUE-TIED)
and Karin Tabke (GOOD GIRL GONE BAD) read from their books.