TGIF Excerpt: The Housewife Assassin’s Handbook: “Her Kitten Heel on His Throat”

Man-wearing-towelI've been told that the verbal sparring between Donna Stone, the heroine in The Housewife Assassin's Handbook, and Jack Craig, the hero of the series, is hot enough to steam an ice cube. 

Works for me.

For my TGIF except, I've chosen their first meet-up, which has Jack on his back with Donna's heel at his throat.

But not for long.

Enjoy! And if you do so, download from Amazon, Kobo, or Apple, where it's free. It's 99 cents  in BN.com. I've put links below the exerpt.

Josie

EXCERPT

“You know, you’re kind of cute when you’re
angry.” When, finally, he can speak, his words come out in a husky mutter.

I’m guessing that’s because I’ve got my kitten
heel on his jugular.

He’s lucky I’m not wearing my six-inch fuck-me
stilettos.

“You think so? You should ask around about
that…Oh, sorry, you can’t—because anyone who’s seen me really angry has never
lived to tell about it.”

Despite my chokehold, he’s able to mumble out,
“I love it when you talk dirty to me.”

“Oh yeah? Tell, me, do you love it when I do
this?” I press his arm to the breaking point. “And how about this?” I lean down
on my heel again, but just enough.

I’m enjoying the sound of him rasping for air
when, from the other side of the door, I hear Mary ask, “Mom, is everything
okay in there?”

That breaks my concentration, enough for him to
grab my ankle. Next thing I know it’s me who’s facedown, on the bed. I can feel
his knee in the center of my back. The pressure he’s putting on me is
excruciating, but I’m not going to let him know that.

“If you don’t answer her, she’ll walk in here
and find us… like this.” This is murmured more as a promise than a threat. I
don’t know what makes me angrier: the thought that he thinks he’s scaring me,
or the realization that the warmth of his breath on my cheek is turning me on.

Either way, I won’t give him the satisfaction of
knowing it.

I resist the urge to spit in his face. Instead I
collect myself, and then in my best sing-song mommy voice, I answer, “Yes,
honey, everything is fine! We’re just moving a few boxes in the closet. Why
don’t you go downstairs and check on the chicken? If it’s browned, lower the
oven to 275. Oh! And do me a favor, and mash the potatoes.”

“Um… Okay. Just call down if you need anything.”
She sounds uncertain, but a moment later I hear all three of my children
clomping down the stairs.

He’s listening closely, too. I inch my one free
hand up slowly. I’m hoping to punch him in the groin—

As if reading my mind, he grabs my arm and curls
it behind my back. “Gee, Mrs. Stone, I didn’t take you for the kind who liked
the rough stuff, but whatever turns you on.”

To keep from groaning in pain, I let loose with
a litany of words that, had I’d heard them coming from my own kids’ mouths,
would have me reaching for a bar of soap.

“You’ve got quite a little potty mouth, now
don’t you?” To drive his point home, he gives me a smack on the ass. “You know,
I can play like this all night, but the boss man may not be too pleased that
we’re keeping him waiting.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I hiss at
him. “Just who are you, anyway?”

I guess he realizes that this really isn’t my
idea of a meet-and-greet because suddenly he eases his knee off my back. “You
mean you really don’t know? And all this time I thought this was just your way
of welcoming me to the family. I hadn’t had you pegged for the type who gets
into rough foreplay—”

“Foreplay?” I’m so riled that I sit straight up.
So, he wants it rough? Wait until I pull out the Taser I’ve stashed under the
mattress…

Then it hits me: “Wait, start over. What do you
mean, ‘welcoming you to the family?’ Just who are you, anyway?”

“I’m Jack Craig—”

The name sounds familiar. Where have I heard
it…?

Now I remember! What is it that they call him on
the spook loops? Oh, yeah: Wild Card Jack. The agent known to shirk protocol
whenever it suits him; to bend the rules according to his whims. He’s not above
going rogue when the impulse hits—

Especially if there’s a woman around to impress.

“—but you can call me ‘Carl darling.’ That’s as
my new alias.”

I can’t believe my ears. “The mission calls for
you to pretend to be my husband? No! No way in Hell—”

“Look lady, don’t shoot the messenger. It was
Ryan’s idea. I told him it was crazy, too.” He shrugs. “No one in their right
mind would believe I’d be attracted to someone like you—”

“Oh yeah?…What’s wrong with me anyway?”

“Well to be honest, you’re not exactly my type.”

I’m trying hard not to snicker. “Considering
what I’ve heard about your ‘type,’ I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Your reputation precedes you, too—or haven’t
you noticed that Wikipedia uses your photo beside the definition of ‘man-ho.’”

“You see? This is exactly what I told Ryan.
You’re one of those women who have no self-control. You’ll just fly off the
handle, mission be damned. Being saddled with you would just tie me down.”

“You’ve got some nerve, saying that to me!” I
reach for the phone. “I’m calling Ryan right now.”

“Fine by me. If we’re going to take down the
Quorum, I’ll need a swallow who doesn’t carry around her emotional baggage like
a third boob—”

“Third boob? Why you…. Wait! The Quorum? What’s
that got to do with you?”

A brow raises just as the smirk hits his lips.
“What, you haven’t had time to read the directive? I saw you at the drop. I
know the cut-out in the ice cream truck handed you the order—”

“You were there, watching us in the park?”

“Sure. Hey, I’m no fool. I didn’t want to walk
in here and get blown away for breaking and entering.”

I can’t help but shrug proudly.

But then he ruins it by adding “Besides, it’s
ice cream. From the looks of things”—he scrutinizes my backside critically—“I’m
guessing you’re not opposed to a sugar fix every now and then. I would have
guessed you’d have torn into it before you even got into that mommy mobile
they’ve saddled you with.”

“How dare you!”

“Just teasing. Look, it’s not as if you’re a
total heifer but a little toning up wouldn’t hurt. Might get rid of those love
handles.” He has the audacity to put his hands on my hips.

When I try to slap them away, he smiles, but he
doesn’t let go. Instead he nudges me closer, as if we’re playing some sort of
game, until I’m right up against his rock hard abdomen—

And it’s not the only thing that’s hard—

“You know what they say: sex is the best
exercise,” he coaxes seductively. “Since we’ve got to play house anyway, might
as well enjoy the fringe benefits, right? Hey, I won’t even mind if you close
your eyes and call me Carl—”

My punch to his jaw has him reeling backward,
into the wall. “Dream on, you son of a bitch. Just to let you know: you’re not
half the man Carl was.”

He grimaces as he rubs his jaw. “Just trying to
do my conjugal duty.”

“Get dressed. And make it snappy. I want to get
this meeting with Ryan over pronto. I’ve got to be home before eight, to put
Trisha to bed.”

“Speaking of beds, do you like the right side,
or the left? For that matter, are you a top or a bottom? Not that I’m partial,
either way—”

To shut him up, I toss his clothes at him.

As he grabs for them, his towel drops to the
floor and I’m given a full-on view as to what all the spook loop fuss is about—

Wow.

Okay, I’m wrong. He’s got at least one thing in
common with Carl.

To hide my shock and awe, I turn and walk out of
the room, slamming the door behind me.

Even from the bottom of the stairway I can hear
him laughing.

 ***

I tell Mary that we’ll be back in time for
dinner, but just in case our “run to the store” takes longer than expected, she
is to put Trisha to bed no later than eight, and for Jeff and her to go down no
later than ten.

She gives Jack a shy peck on the cheek. On the
other hand, Trisha throws herself into Jack’s arms, body, and soul. It only
takes a second for his initial look of shock to melt into gentle appreciation.
Jeff’s wary handshake is taken just as seriously.

I wonder if this cover is going to be harder for
him than he initially imagined.

Already my heart is breaking. Shame on Ryan for
putting my family’s emotional wellbeing at risk! He better have a hell of a
good reason for doing this to us.

Jack and I take separate cars. He refuses to be
seen in my “mommy mobile.” That’s fine with me. The way he peels out in his
Lamborghini Aventador roadster, I’ve no doubt he’s just an accident waiting to
happen.

Three heads that turn as he races down Main
Street are those belonging to Penelope, Tiffy, and Hayley. They’re sitting at
one of the outdoor tables in front of our local Starbucks, dishing some
neighbor’s dirt, I suppose. As Jack idles at the corner, Penelope licks her
Collagened lips and lifts her sunglasses in order to get a better view of him.

This is not lost on Jack. Through his side-view
mirror, I can see him honoring her with a wink and that lazy smile of his.

It’s all I can do not to ram him from behind.

Instead I lay on the horn.

As he screeches out of the grand gates fronting
Hilldale, I wave at them sweetly. The way they show their obvious
disappointment is to ignore me.

I wonder how they’d treat me if they thought
Jack was my husband. They’d be jealous, for sure. But I know better than to
presume it would earn me their friendships, let alone their respect.

Not that it matters. As soon as I lay down the
law to Ryan, Jack Craig will just be a fond fantasy for Hilldale’s mères terrible.

An even bigger problem is explaining to my
children that he’s not who they think—and hope—he is:

Their father.

Copyright © 2011 by Josie Brown. Published in May 2011 by Signal Press. All rights reserved. This work is protected under copyright laws and reproduction is strictly prohibited. Permission to reproduce the material in any manner or medium must be secured from the Author.

————————————————-



HAH-Hanging-Man-Oct-5-2012

Murder. Suspense. Sex. And some handy household tips.

 
The Housewife Assassin's Handbook
(Book 1) 
Signal Press 

Buy it from FREE

AmazonKindleButtonFree!

Logo_kobo Free!

Nook-button  99 Cents

Free! on Apple iTunes Bookstore


 

ho they think—and hope—he is:

Their father.

 

#MadMen creator Matthew Weiner discusses the latest episode (#9, “The Better Half”)

MadMenSeason6__Poster
I love this illustration for Mad Men. It's the type of illustration you'd find for ads from that mid-60s era.

Notice that Don Draper is both coming and going. I like that the artist has captured his duplicity, his wanderlust, and the fact that there are other Don Drapers out there. 

There are other Don Drapers inside of Don Draper.

I also hate the fact that this is the last season of Mad Men. I'm sure the show's actors realize it's a career high for them, thanks to all the elements that make a show great: the direction, the period detail via set design and costumes, and of course the writing. Writer-Producer Matthew Weiner has created an ensemble of characters who faults and foibles ring true as the catapault through life in an era some of us remember all too nostalgically. Six years ago, as watched the first episode with my son, I remember him commenting, “Wow, the men were really cruel to the women who worked with them.”

Yes, to a great extent, barbaric.

Truly, it set the tone of what was to come.

We love these characters,and we also hate them.

In other words, we feel for them. 

It's why it's great television, and why it's sublime storytelling.

Check out the show's creator, Matthew Weiner, discussing the latest episode (9, “The Better Half”).

— Josie

 


HA-RSG-Final-V2
To celebrate the launch of 
The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide
I'm giving away a $100 gift card
 to the bookstore of your choice!

Click here for details…

 

 

 

 


Love this opening number, in SMASH

Smash-1-02-katharine-mcphee-channels-marilyn-monroe-performs-original-song

I know it's de riguer to diss SMASH this season, but I've got to tell you, I loved the opening musical number on SMASH (week of March 3, 2013).

Tell me if you don't agree that it was a blast. It's called "Public Relations."

Yeah, I can picture this on Broadway…

–Josie




 

We have a homeless guy in our apartment building’s boiler room.

Homeless-teen

Turns out the guy has picked the lock, and made it his home: bedroll, pictures, personal items.

This breaks my heart. I can only imagine what it's like to have to sleep on a cold concrete floor every night, let alone  park bench or a sidewalk. At the same time, should something happen in that boiler room. it affects the whole building, and the tennants in it.

We will change the lock on the boiler room door to a deadbolt, perhaps put a gate in the passageway leading to it as well.

But first we will also box up his belongings.  I will put a few bucks in an envelope, along with a note explaining why he needs to move on. 

Like most homeless, he's not on the street (or in the boiler room) by choice. He's there because, somewhere along the line, he's had a fall from grace. Maybe mental health issues are involved. If so, I truly feel for him, because the governmental safety net for the mentally ill is broken in too many ways.

He is someone's son. Perhaps, someone's brother, father, or uncle or nephew.

He cannot deal with his problems. And his family is probably brokenhearted about it andworried about him, but also weary of the burden of carrying him.

Out of sight, but truly out of mind? We all know that's not the case.

He is the ghost of failure: not his own, but ours, as a society.

He is one of us.

We need to fix it. Whether we want to believe so or not, it is a reflection on each of us

— Josie

From the bottom of my heart, thanks for all the praise.


IHEARTU

Every now and again, I'll run across a reader review that makes me proud of the fact that I've stuck it out as a novelist. Here are a few examples.

I just want to say to those of you who have read me and passed along a few kind words about my book: thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I try to write books I would love to read myself, with characters who grab at my heartstrings, too. Knowing that you're along for the right makes it just that much sweeter.

 

— Josie

 

Baby Planner Low ResAbout The Baby Planner:

"Such a great book, found myself not wanting to put it down. I wasn't me anymore, i became the character. I felt what she felt. her pain, her heartache,her longing and her success. I look forward to seeing what else Josie Brown has written." –M,  New Zealand.

 

 

 


Totlandia5_2About Totlandia, The Onesies, Fall (Book 1)

"I first discovered Josie when I read "True Hollywood Lies" (which I could not put down). I'm not a mom but I picked up the Totlandia series because I love Josie's writing and Totlandia definitely does NOT disappoint. It's a good, fun read – the dialogue is entertaining and funny and the characters are relatable, most are likable, and all have a depth to them that is hard to accomplish in a page turner. I definitely find myself having favorites. For anyone worried about the reviews saying that the book ends without resolution, I completely disagree. There is resolution – as one mom does get cut. And there's a little teaser at the end of Book One which only makes me want to read Book Two that much more." — J.K.

and

"I read the first book which was gifted to me…then immediately bought the other 2 books. I couldn't put them down! One review I read said these are better than crack and she was right! I am completely frustrated that I have to wait 3 months for the next one to come out….but that is part of the allure, I guess. Josie has a way of leaving you hanging so you just HAVE TO KNOW what happens next to the characters. Josie Brown has quickly become one of my favorite authors so I am devouring everything she has written. Highly recommend this series, whether you are a mom or not." — A.Z.

 


Guide-to-Gracious-Killing-FinalThe Housewife Assassin's Guide to Gracious Killing
(The Housewife Assassin Series, Book 2)

"I truly enjoyed reading this book. I didn't want to put it down. I found myself thinking about the story when I wasn't reading it, anticipating the next time I'd get back to it. It was funny and engaging." — V

and

"A good writer makes for ease of reading. Fast paced action breaks the mundane day to day life to a whole new level. I laughed, cried and laughed some more. Great read to bring a lighter mood into our hurried world." — D.M., TN

 

 


ITT 200About Impossibly Tongue-Tied

"About a half hour after finishing this book (10 min ago), I came to the realization that this wonderful book took another layer of shine off of movies and Hollywood. People will do some pretty nasty things for fame and the public will still give it to them. Now, it will be hard not to look at acclaimed actresses and wonder if their sweet personalities aren't also an act. Or if my favorite Hollywood heart-throb is cheating on his girlfriend/wife. I would have given this book 6 stars if the author had just provided one or two actors/actresses with sweet and loyal this in the book. Because, like many of my generation, I may not be ready to face what Hollywood has become.
3) The ending was really romantic but I still wish that the author had given us more of a peek into what Nina's future life holds professionally speaking.

I'm sorry for the rant but if you're still reading, this book was worth the disillusionment about Hollywood."  - Z., Florida

 

 

Hump Day Haiku: “Fashion Week”

FashionWeek2013

Oh my God…I'm here!

Why is she front row center? /

This collection sucks.

Today is a play day (sort of). Which means a trek through Golden Gate Park.

Goldengatepark

In many ways, San Francisco is a wonderland. One locale in the city that is always on parade is Golden Gate Park, which runs three miles east to west, and half a mile north to south. Its 1,017 acres make it 20 percent larger than New York's Central Park. 

Our park ends at the Ocean, so I'd say that's another wonderful advantage. It's far side ends in the Haight, which is why it was once a hippy haven ("Once"? Frankly, it still is. Everything changes, and stays the same).

GGParkNorthWindmill2We'll park at one end, and meander through it, down to the other. In the meantime, we'll pass the archery field, the Frisbee Golf grove, merry-go-rounds, drumming circles,  roller blade dancers, both The DeYoung Fine Arts Museum and the California Academy of Sciences, the first home of the San Francisco 49ers (Kezar Stadium) and several lakes (Stowe, for rowers; Spreckels, for those who are running their minature yachts, or sailing their miniature sail boats), not to mention a herd of buffalos. groves of picnickers, and a windmill or two.

Our own favorite passtime is discovering the wooded nooks and crannies; serene groves where one can lose oneself  in a good book, while lolling on a blanket, or sprawling on one of the many benches that you'll come across.

The park was concieved in the 1870s, and hosted several public expositions, of which some of its historic buildings remain (the flower conservatory,and its renowned Japanese Tea Garden are but two).

Strybing_Arboretum_trailAnd to think the park might have never happened, had San Francisco's silver barons gotten their way: they lobbied hard for a race track!

 

Now, go out and discover something new,

— Josie

 

 

Below, the architecturally renowned California Academy of Sciences


CAAcademyScience

Nashville’s “Pour Me Something Stronger” has lyrics that hit a high note.

I unabashedly love the ABC TV show, Nashville.

I love that the personalities are big, voices are great, the songs have heart, and the writing has soul.

An example: in the latest episode (February 27, 2013) pop tart Juliette Barnes (Hayden Panettiere) throws a suprise birthday party for her lead guitarist, Deacon Claybourne (Charles Eston, and  former lover of her rival, Rayna Jaymes, played by Connie Britton).

It's to be Nashville's party of the year.

It's also an emotional make-good: on a party her mother was to throw for Juliette's nineth birthday, but was too coked up to do so. Her mother's relapse into addiction at the party is a bittersweet reminder to Juliette that all of life's events is the equivialent to a game of Chutes and Ladders. 

No matter who you are, or how far you've come, you can always slip back into failure.

True friends and caring family prop you up again.

The video above is of Connie Britton singing a song that is all about that.

It all starts with the writing,

— Josie

 

PS: In regard to true love and family, I've just released Book 3, the latest in my Totlandia series. But you'll want to try Book 1 first. And lucky you! It's now priced at 99 cents!

Here's a synopsis:

 

Totlandia5_2

Friendship. Lies. Seduction. Betrayal. 
Welcome to Totlandia.

Book 1: The Onesies/Fall

Coliloquy Books / 978-0-9740214-0-9 / eBook

Buy it now…

Amazon.com (eBook)

Amazon.com (App)

BN.com (eBook)

 BN.com (App)

Read a synopsis here…

The Pacific
Heights Moms & Tots Club is the most exclusive children’s playgroup in all
of San Francisco. For the city’s ultra-competitive elite, the club’s ten annual
spots are the ultimate parenting prize.

In a world of power and prestige, no one has more the club’s founder, Bettina
Connaught Cross. And as every mom in Pacific
Heights knows, you simply
cannot cross her
.

Bettina adheres
to strict membership rules: Moms only. No single parents or working mothers
allowed. Membership is an arduous commitment. And there’s no room in the club
for scandal, bad behavior, or imperfection…from tots or their moms.

Not everyone
is PHM&TC
material, which is why this year the admissions process for the Pacific Heights
Moms & Tots Club is more rigorous than ever, pitting prospective members
against each other to prove their mettle.

But four of
the six candidates vying for the remaining four slots have secrets that would
knock them out of the running. Jade is a former stripper and porn actress, who
has been absent for most of her son’s life. Jillian’s husband cleaned out their
joint accounts and left her for his pregnant assistant. Ally never even had a
husband—just a sperm donor—and she has a high-ranking corporate job. And Lorna
fears that her son may have special needs… just the excuse her sister-in-law,
Bettina, needs to deny her entry to the club.

Can these
hopeful moms keep up appearances long enough to outlast the competition? Or
will their chances—and their private lives—go up in flames?

Totlandia is a five-book series that follows our heroines starting in “The
Onesies,” their inaugural year in the club. Upcoming books—to be released in
four episodes each year—will follow subsequent years: the Twosies, Threesies,
Foursies, and Fivesies.

Okay, here were my favorite Oscars dresses…

 
Sexiest-Dresses-Oscars-2013

So many dresses, so little time to review every fold, hue, cut, and designer
making us ooooh and ahhhh during Sunday's Oscars 2013 presentation…

But I'll try my best. Okay, here were my favorites:

Halle Berry in a glitzy Marchesa gown…

Jessica Chastain in a copper, Art Deco-inspired gown by Armani Privé…

And  Naomi Watts is also in an Armani Privé gown,
in a glitzy silver with an intriguing cut-out.

 

Also…

Amy-adams-vanity-fair-oscars-party-2013-03

Amy Adams in gray fringed Oscar de la Renta…

 

Charlize2

 

Charlize Theron wore a peplum-waisted Dior Haute Couture gown…

 

JLaw

And Jennifer Lawrence's Dior Haute Couture
pink blush gown, with voluminous train.

 

All beautiful, don't you think?

 

I'm soooo inspired, I'm off to get my own little princess a gown!

 

— Josie

 

Character Quote from Michael Scott, in The Office

Scott

 

"Would I rather be feared or loved?
Easy. Both.

I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." 

 

@TheOffice

@JosieBrownCA