TGIF Excerpt from The Housewife Assassin’s Handbook: “Artful Women”

Polka Dot AxMemorial Day weekend means you'll have plenty of time to catch up on your reading. So what are you waiting for? Download a FREE copy of THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HANDBOOK. 

In this scene, my heroine, Donna Stone, is on the hunt for a large shipment of stolen plutonium. A hot lead sends her to a posh Beverly Hills art gallery. Just because the owner is sleazy doesn't mean he has anything to hide–

Or does he?

Donna finds out–the hard way.

Speaking of works of art, here's another angry housewife painting from one of my favorite artists, Kelly Reemtsen. You can catch her work here on her website, and also at Skidmore Contemporary Art in Santa Monica, David Klein Gallery in Birmingham Michigan, or DeBuck Gallery, in New York.

The subject is wearing the perfect frock for a the start of summer, don't you think? And who'd a thunk an ax would make such an eye-catching accessory?

TGI Holiday Weekend,

— Josie

 

Excerpt

“It’s a Larkaro,” Armand Fronsdal hisses in my
ear. “Arresting, is it not?”

Yep, that’s exactly how I’d describe an art installation made up of a video projector playing a short film in which three big-breasted nymphs cavort in the woods. But hey, what do I know from art?

One thing I do know: this man’s breath leaves a lot to be desired.

But when I turn to face him, I’ve already set my lips into a come-hither pout. “I’m looking for something a bit more… je ne sais quoi? Ah! Romantique.”

Having one-upped his Lounge Lizardeese with my high school French has scored me major points with this jerk. He crooks a finger at me to follow him.

He is too tall and too slight: think Ichabod Crane in Goth. If his ponytail is supposed to cover up the fact that he’s got a bald spot, he’s failed miserably. He’s wearing more eyeliner than me, which is saying a lot, because I laid it on thick this morning.

Albeit no thicker than the crap he’s laying on me now. “Has ma’amselle been complimented for her resemblance to John Singer Sargent’s magnificent painting of Mrs. Waldorf Astor?”

I shrug. While it is flattering, we both know it’s a stretch. Edvard Munch’s The Scream,
maybe…

“Ah, well, perhaps we shall find some petit amusement, oui?” I murmur. Playing
the bored art patroness has meant dressing up in a shiny ass-grazing red
leather dress that zips up the front, black fishnet stockings that end in
four-inch Louboutin thigh-high boots, and a veiled chapeau perched atop my
French twist. What with the tightness of the dress and the tiny heels of the
shoes, keeping up with his long strides is a bitch.

The gallery is really a warehouse broken up into
several rooms. He doesn’t stop until he reaches the one farthest to the back of
the building. One wall is made up of medieval pitchforks in a lattice pattern.
Near another, a seven-foot hot pink and purple polka-dot penis rises, thick and
proud, among two humongous blue balls.

Ouch.

The center installation is made up of abstract
mirrored balls of varying sizes, hung from the ceiling. They are dripping some
substance the color of blood.

If this is his idea of romantic, I’m guessing he doesn’t go on many dates.

Voila,” he purrs in an accent as bad as mine.

C'est magnifique,” I whisper as I stare up at the mirrored balls.

“This is my private atelier,” he hisses proudly. “Everything in here is my own creation. If this piece speaks to you, I’m sure we can come up with some arrangement: say, forty thou? That’s a third off the catalog price.”

“Such a steal. Almost wholesale.” I tilt my head. Unconsciously I straighten the seams of my stockings. In truth, I am taking aim with the toe of my right bootie. It is loaded with truth serum. The sooner I take this guy down, the better. This place gives me a bad case of the creeps, and I want out of here fast—

Ah, darn! His cell phone just buzzed. I wave him off as he excuses himself to answer it.

In one of the mirrored balls hanging from the ceiling, I see that he is almost at the door when he freezes. His back straightens. Then slowly he turns around.

He has a wary look on his face. He doesn’t think I see him as he plucks one of the pitchforks from the wall. And steps up behind
me—

But I’m too quick for him, swinging the largest of the mirrored balls toward his skull.

It knocks him down but not out. The pitchfork skitters on the slippery floor. As I lunge for it, he grabs my ankle, and I fall hard—

Damn. These. Heels…

Copyright © 2011 by Josie Brown. Published in May 2011 by Signal Press. All rights reserved. This work is protected under copyright laws and reproduction is strictly prohibited. Permission to reproduce the material in any manner or medium must be secured from the Author.

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Murder. Suspense. Sex. And some handy household tips.

 
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Mad Housewife Monday: Kelly Reemtsen’s Flower Power

Flower Power
One of my all-time favorite artists is Kelly Reemtsen. She so aptly captures the desperation of the ladies who lunch — especially when they get a bee under their bonnet about something.

Take this painting, called “Flower Power.”  The way this wifey in the retro shift holds her hedge clippers implies self-emmolation. And yet, her cocked knee implies a dark streak for dangerous flirtation. Perhaps she's saying, “Approach at your own risk.”

Truly a thorny situation.

Ms. Reemtsen's paintings can be found in the Skidmore ContemporaryArt (Los Angeles) and the David Klein Gallery (Birmingham, MI). If you're close by, they are worth the visit.

— Josie


To celebrate the launch of
The Housewife Assassin's
Relationship Survival Guide
 (Book 4),
I'm giving away a $100 gift card

to the bookstore of your choice!

Click here for details…

 

Art from the Heart: Kelly Reemtsen’s Breaking and Entering

Breaking and EnteringI consider artist Kelly Reemtsen the queen of illustrative juxtaposition. My God, just look at the sexy back on this woman, the crisp contours of her sun dress, her humongous diamond ring, that tinkling charm bracelet—

And of course, the size of her wire cutters.

She plans on doing some serious damage.

I imagine that's because she's suffered some slight herself. What was it? Did her teenager refuse to get out of his room. Is it time to see what the hubby has
locked up in the tool shed?  Did a neighbor forget to return her silver
tea set?

Whatever the issue, it's payback time.

Even if that means getting her nice white dress smudged.

One way or another, we women always end up doing the dirty work.

In my book, Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives, one plot thread has to do with break-ins that are occurring all over the supposedly secure gated community where
my heroine lives. But let's face it: no place is totally safe and
secure.

Even our hearts can be stolen.

Ms. Reemtsen has a whole series of these desperate housewives. They are total eye candy: bonbons of angst in retro couture. Just my kind of art, because it's
straight from the heart.

In fact, she's exhibiting this week (March 3 – 7, 2010), in New York, at the Armory: Piers 92 and 94, at 12th Avenue and 55th Street, Clinton, to be exact; . Check out the
information here, or below…

Wish I were there,

—Josie

http:twitter.com/JosieBrownCA

 

Art from the Heart: What Does It Mean When Your Wife Wields a Chainsaw?

Task at Hand Ever notice how the end of the holiday season brings out the contrariness in some of us?

Bah humbug, and all that jazz.

Oh, not me. I'm still on a holiday high. In fact, I wish it would never end…

But that's just because I've been procrastinating with a new book proposal.

But enough about me. I about laffed myself silly at this masterpiece (more objectively, it's a “mistresspiece”) by artist Kelly Reemtsen, who shows her work here in San Francisco's Caldwell Snyder Gallery. (FYI: They have a second gallery just north of the city, in the wonderful wine country village of St. Helena.)

It's entitled “Task at Hand.” Hmmmm. Okay, I'll bite. A woman dressed in a chic party frock holds a chainsaw as if it's a Pucci clutch?

Talk about making a statement.

Read into it what you want, but my take on this is that, no matter how we try to hem in our anger, it will show itself eventually.

In her case, fashionably.

But that's just my interpretation. I'd love to hear yours, too.

(If you want to see a larger version, double-click on the photo…)

Periodically I'll turn
this blog turns into an Internet art gallery by uplinking similar pieces by Ms. Reemtsen and other artists, whose works I feel tell a
story similar to what I'll be telling you in my next novel, SECRET
LIVES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES.

Passive is the new aggressive,

—Josie

 

 

SLHWCOVER2010

Josie' s Next Book: Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives

Simon & Schuster/Downtown Press

(ISBN: 9781439173176)

Look for it in bookstores June 1, 2010

From Amazon

From Barnes & Noble

From Bigger Books

From Books a Million

From Borders

From Copperfield's

From Your Local Independent Bookstore

From Powell's

Art from the Heart: Kelly Reemtsen’s AFFLICTED

AfflictedI saw this wonderful oil-on-board painting on the cover of Marin magazine
(a guilty li'l pleasure of mine. I'm such a townie, ain't I?) and I just had to share. It's called “Afflicted,” and the artist is Kelly Reemtsen, who shows her work here in San Francisco's
Caldwell Snyder Gallery. (They have a second gallery in the wonderful wine country village of St. Helena.)This is just one painting in a series that, to me, epitomizes the calm desperation of women in the aspiring class: despite an outward sheen of elegance, inside they've come unraveled.

So cool that the viewer can never look the subject in the eye. Without faces, without eye contact, we can only read body language — and the items these women wield in order to vanquish the niggling little problems that are ruining their perfect lives.

But that's just my interpretation. I'd love to hear yours, too.

In fact, I've just made a momentous decision! Every Saturday I'll turn this blog turns into an Internet art gallery by uplinking similar works, by Ms. Reemtsen and other artists, whose works I feel tell a story similar to what I'll be telling you in my next novel, SECRET LIVES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES.

A picture is worth 94,000 words,

—Josie

 Josie' s Next Book: Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives

Simon & Schuster/Downtown Press

(ISBN: 9781439173176)

Look for it in bookstores June 1, 2010

Pre-Order at any of the bookstore links in my sidebar…